I feel like flying from Los Angeles to Kansas City should not qualify as traveling. I think it’s more like un-traveling. Airlines should generally assume that people on board these “un-traveling” flights must be attending to some sort of emergency.

“Hi, and welcome aboard Southwest Airlines. We offer you our sincere condolences regarding whatever situation caused you to board this flight. If there’s anything our psychologist flight attendants can do to make your trip more bearable, please press the little ding button that lights up above your seat.”

One of my favorite things to do when I travel by myself (or in this case, un-travel) is to lie as much as I possibly can. Before you judge me as hell-bound, you have to try it first. I find it to be an extremely entertaining way to have a little fun with the typically shallow airport conversations. In the last few years, I’ve been a ghost writer for a famous author that I’m not allowed to disclose, an up and coming TV actor returning from a filming location and, most recently, a behavioral psychologist with a focus on peoples’ social tendencies and what they’re really saying. It’s always a good time observing how people react to you when they find out what you do (or don’t do).

I was sitting next to a middle-aged woman at the airport who was quite the chatter box. After about ten minutes of listening, I felt like I knew both of her kids, her mostly absent husband and why her business was struggling. After she ran out of breath, she asked me what I did. I responded with something like this:

“I graduated from USC a couple of years ago with a Masters in Behavioral Science and Psychology. I kind of focus on peoples’ social tendencies and what that says about their insecurities and who they are. It’s a fairly new practice in the field, but I really enjoy it. It’s amazing to observe the way people socialize and take that information into account when trying to help them understand themselves.”

Silence.

All of the sudden, this socialite woman was overcome with insecurity. She got up, came back with some coffee and started reading a book. Needless to say, she did not speak one word to me until I got up to board the plane, and that was a generic “have a good trip” as I grabbed my bag. I genuinely felt bad. I couldn’t believe how quickly she shut down at the thought of me somehow being able to read her like an open book. I started to think about my own insecurities and how often they really do impact my everyday life.

Take the magazine rack for example. Contrary to what you may believe, you really can’t buy and read any magazine you want in the airport. Imagine some guy sitting next to you reading Maxim. If you’re a girl, you’d probably feel fairly uncomfortable. If you’re a guy, you’re just hoping he doesn’t take it with him to the restroom (Boo! Bad joke). If I were not swayed by insecurity, I would have bought Men’s Health to read on the plane. One problem: It’s filled with half-naked pictures of men. I couldn’t bear the thought of this happening:

Me: (Reading Men’s Health)
Psychologist Stewardess: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: (Realizing I’m staring at a page with multiple pictures of half-naked, genetically-altered men)
Psychologist Stewardess: (Realizing I’m staring at a page with multiple pictures of half-naked, genetically-altered men)… Perhaps an Appleteenie?
Me: Umm, what’s your best man drink? Do you have something with protein in it? I just boarded directly from the gym. Can I stand up and get the dumbbells out of my bag?

I settled for the sports section. The same one that I’d already read once before I got to the airport.

Please tell me I’m not alone in this type of thinking. What other ways do almost un-noticed insecurities effect the decisions you make everyday? I know some of you can come up with some good stories or examples. Please do share with the world (And by the world, I mean the less than a thousand people that will most likely read this).

And don’t feel insecure…