J-Ri's Random Thoughts

Read Before Burning…

I want to share a scripture with you from the very, very, very revised and amplified version:

“In the beginning, God created Los Angeles, Phoenix, Albuquerque, Miami and Australia. He saw that it was good and rested. And some time later, Eve approached Adam and said, “So, umm, I was surfing yesterday and this snake gave me an apple. I don’t even like apples! I laughed and threw it in the ocean. A few minutes later, he came back and gave me something called ‘cheesecake’. It was from that factory restaurant in Venice that we’re not supposed to visit. Anyway, try this, it’s good stuff.  I ate some and didn’t die at all!” So Adam ate the factory cheesecake, and obesity was born into the world. Adam and Eve immediately fell into a deep, food induced sleep. When they awoke many hours later, Eve turned to Adam and said, “Why are we naked? And why do I suddenly feel insecure about myself? Let’s hide from God.” Adam concurred and they hid in the garden from God.

And then a voice from Heaven came to them and said, “Because you have disobeyed, you will be cursed to eat fattening foods and run on treadmills.” God raised his thundering voice even louder and spoke, “Let there be Boston, where evil men and women from all over the earth will gather. And let there be Kansas City, where ice storms, frigid temperatures and un-worldly humidity will ruin all four season that I have created.” Confused and terrified, Adam responded and said, “But Lord, how will we warm ourselves in this Kansas City wasteland that you speak of?” And the Lord responded and said, “Let there be fire to combat the cold”, and fire was born into existence. For a final time the Lord spoke and said, “And J-Ri will not burn in hell for this blog, as it is absolutely hilarious”, and all of J-Ri’s readers laughed without guilt.

I was only adhering to these scriptures when I decided to build a fire last night. I mean, how hard could it be to burn something? Ummm… I’ve compiled a list of lessons learned and practical suggestions for building a fire:

- Do not assume that even Tyra Banks could start a good fire. It’s not true. That type of arrogance will get you in trouble.

- When you light something on fire, it creates this haze called smoke. This smoke substance needs to escape somewhere, and the living room is not a good place. Above your fireplace is this hallway of sorts that sends the smoke right outside. What a great idea. I’d suggest making sure that it’s open before burning anything.

- Freezing cold wood + Little match = Blazing Fire. Right? No.

- Freezing cold wood + A pile of junk mail on top + Little match = Blazing Fire. Umm, negative.

- Do not waste a box of matches, six months worth of junk mail and two hours trying this. Instead, run down to QT at midnight and pick up a starter log for $3. It will create a miracle in your fireplace. I promise.

- Once you build a nice fire, do not assume that a starter log and two pieces of wood will burn through the new year. It won’t. You may wake up freezing and have to start the whole process over again. Avoid this at all costs.

I hope this list helps you as much as it would have helped me yesterday…

Merry Christmas everyone!

       

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