Panera Bread. Have you ever noticed that every Panera Bread location in America employs two non-English speaking Spanish women? No, they don’t work in the back, or get drinks, or clean the counters like most Spanish only speaking Mexicans typically do in America. They are specifically responsible to announce your name into the kinda audible microphone when your food is ready. I mean, come on. Why not use the shy home schooled girl chained to the freezer in the back? Why must we hear simple names like “Jason” pronounced “Hasoun”? Or Bob announced as “Boob”? Or “James” announced as a Spanish grunt w/ a “grande” in there?

While I pondered this world-class mystery, I had to ask myself another question: “Why am I eating here?” Eating Panera Bread is kinda’ like eating a chocolate covered rice cake with caramel filling that boasts, “Zero Trans Fat!” We all know that’s obese for “2-6 lbs of every other type of fat.” Somehow, Panera has managed to make people feel good about eating a bowl loaded with cheese. Literally.

Underpaid High Schooler: What can I get started for you today?
Wannabe Healthy Eater: Um, I’d like a soup bowl please.
Underpaid High Schooler: What kind of fattening soup would you like in it sir?
Wannabe Healthy Eater: Hmm. Broccoli is good for you. Go ahead and mix that with some really thick cheese. You know, I need my dairy for the day. Makes my bones strong, ya’ know.
Underpaid High Schooler: Would you like that in a bread bowl?
Wannabe Healthy Eater: Bread bowl? So, I could, what… eat the bowl too?
Underpaid High Schooler: Um, yes. But it’s bread. It’s good for you. It has zero Trans fat.
Wannabe Healthy Eater: You’re right, and I’m hungry. Screw it. I’ll eat the whole damn bowl too.

At this rate, by 2057 every human being will look like Rosie O’Donnell when she wakes up in the morning. I don’t know about you, but human beings shouldn’t look like stuffed monkeys.

Michael Vick/Whoopi Goldberg. Speaking of Rosie, Whoopi Goldberg took over for her on ABC’s “The View” after Rosie decided to have a third gastric bypass surgery this year (Not really, but it’s a good idea). Whoopi nailed her debut by quickly coming to Michael Vicks defense after he pleaded guilty to the killing of multiple pit bulls and gambling on illegal dog fighting. She cited that “dog fighting was part of his cultural upbringing.” Umm, how does Whoopi know, well, anything about this situation? I can only think of three logical answers to this question:

(1) Mike Vick had mercy on Whoopi even though she refused to fight her brothers and sisters during his last dog fight.
(2) Whoopi was a super breed killing machine, and won Mike Vick a lot of money.
(3) Whoopi and Michael Vick are in fact the same person.

Wow, I’m SO mean. But seriously, who strangles and electrocutes dogs for sport? I mean, cultural upbringing? Are you serious? Was Mr. Vick raised in a small island suburb of hell?

I guess we’ll see if he makes the transition to a receiver in prison. I mean, he might not really have a choice.

Jason & Nicole Ellsworth. Despite the tragic hiking experience in New Mexico (circa 2003), Nicole, Jason’s wife, has always been one of my all-time favorite people. Even in my most arrogant and outlandish stages of life, she’s been there to remind me that my ears are still the size of a small country and that I’m about as hot as a glacier forming in the Artic Ocean.

We had a mini reunion in Albuquerque last month, and came to the indisputable conclusion that her husband, Jason, was the perfect man. Sure, I defensively argued that my WNBA-like height appealed to a whole subculture of little-people and that I could become a William Wallace like figure to that forgotten society, but it was all in vain. She hastily replied with indisputable fact after indisputable fact, and I was left naked and shamed in the wake that Jason Ellsworth was indeed more perfect than I. After all, he did manage to slay the deep-rooted man hating dragon that nested inside of Nicole for so many years. He is the Neo of all men, He is… Jason Ellsworth (Bow).

In light of this catastrophic upset, and as part of my heartfelt concession, I need everyone to do two things:

(1) Go congratulate Jason on his newly acquired Perfect Man title. It’s the least you can do as a human being. I’m hoping this generous offer of congratulations spearheaded by my overwhelming humility will provide me with a valid argument in next year’s Perfect Man contest. (http://www.myspace.com/jasonellsworth)

(2) On a serious note, everyone should go buy his latest worship CD: “Listening?” You fork out $15 a month at trendy coffee shops (or every week if you’re like me), so you can afford this small investment into something that has a much greater return than a caffeine buzz and stained teeth. You pretty much don’t have an excuse. (http://www.jeband.com/)

This message was NOT approved by Jason Ellsworth, which is why it’s hilarious