Here’s a fact: James Brown attracts more chicks than King Solomon. Seriously, it’s out of control. I had quite a reality check last week in regards to this. Every girl I’ve ever dated has been with me for one reason: To get a chance to know James Brown. Equally as dismal, every girl I’ve ever dated has left for only one reason: Because they realized that James Brown is unattainable. Seriously, somebody spike my Gatorade with cyanide.

So, what do we call this Jedi Mind control? James Brown Fever (Gasp). And, if you just laughed, you’re already infected. Kill yourself. There’s no hope. Any female aged 21-36 has either contracted, or is in serious jeopardy of contracting this infection. While there is no known cure for his unreserved sexiness, it is very important that you hide your Moms, Wives, Girlfriends, Sisters, Daughters and yes, even yourselves. As you can imagine, living with this magnetic man creates a very serious dilemma for me:

Jason: Brown, this is (Insert non-existent yet extremely lucky girls’ name).
Brown: (Locks eyes, infecting her w/ his sexiness) Hi, I’m James.
Lucky Chick: (Blushes) … Um, where’s your bathroom?
Brown: (Getting up) Here, I’ll show you. (Grabs her by the hand and walks her to the bathroom)
Jason: (Curses the name of James Brown)
Lucky Chick: (Douses herself in cold water)
Jason: Brown, why do you have to do that to me?
Brown: Do what?
Jason: She was feeling me. Why can’t you just let me have this one for once?
Brown: I didn’t even do anything. I can’t help it. I’m James Brown. I’ll just go to my room.

(Walks out and into his room)

Jason: (Curses the name of James Brown)
Lucky Chick: (Walks out and directly to Browns’ room and opens the door)
Brown: (Turns around in his boxers)
Lucky Chick: (Heart stops and drops dead on the spot)
Jason: You killed another one Brown. This one had potential. Thanks a lot.
Brown: Sorry man, I didn’t mean to. It just kinda’ happens.
Jason: (Curses the name of James Brown) I’m moving out.

Ok, so I’m exaggerating. … Not really. In a desperate attempt to quarantine the general population, I would like to begin spreading the following lies about James Brown:

(1) James Brown is not perfect.
(2) James Brown does not possess every quality a chick would want.
(3) The above two facts, in no way, cause me to want to inflict pain on myself.

Hey James – Can I at-least have my dog back? Thanks.

Is there anything more abhorrent than the San Antonio Spurs winning the NBA Championship? Actually, believe it or not, yes. To name a few:

(1) Eva Longoria + Abominably Ugly French Dude (Tony Parker) = Happily Ever After. Does the very thought of this couple not test your gag reflex every time you see them? … Crap. Can someone clean that up for me?

(2) Jared + Liposuction = Millions of Dollars. Who decided that Jared was in shape? He’s the perfect example of someone who says “It’s just skin”. Jared – fat or not, you’re still gross.

(3) Jared + Tony Parker = Let’s make a Subway commercial. I’d imagine the board meeting went something like this:

Advertising Director: Ooh, I’ve got an idea! Let’s take the ugliest non-fat guy in the world, and team him up with the most over-rated Finals MVP in NBA History. I mean, Tony Parker may be the ugliest French dude since Napoleon Bonaparte, but he did manage to swindle Eva Longoria into marrying him (Let’s hope this doesn’t actually happen). Maybe he can convince people that Subway sandwiches really do help you lose weight!
CEO: You’re incompetent. Why would I do such an asinine thing? Get out of my board room. You’re fired!
Advertising Director: … Didn’t I see you in Vegas last weekend?
CEO: Great idea. I like it. Let’s do it, right away! I’m promoting you to Senior Advertising Director.

I’m convinced this is what happened. In other news, I am boycotting Subway.

About once every five years or so, a movie comes around that changes you. It causes you to re-evaluate life, and inspires you to do things you never imagined before. Think: Braveheart. Jerry Maguire. Gladiator. The Shawshank Redemption. Now, completely throw out everything that you loved about those movies, and what do you have left? Yep: Evan Almighty. It almost felt like I was watching Left Behind: XVIII – Yep, We’re Still Left Behind. I’m convinced that every morning on the set, each performer was subjected to generally depressing horror stories, given lines for the day then placed in a dark room to rehearse before-hand. There hasn’t been a more un-inspired cast of characters since Gigli.

… Wait, what’s that? It was funded, influenced and fully supported by Christians? … Wow, that was a booming success. Great investment! Why can we not seem to get this right? Wait, I think I may have an answer for that. For the most part, secular society views “Christianity” under the very religious and cheesy (i.e. Evan Almighty) pretenses that we have projected for the last half a century. Rather than supporting relevant productions that have the opportunity to be influential in people’s lives, we throw our finances and support behind things that are completely insignificant (And in this case, absolutely retarded).

“Hmm, I have millions of dollars. I know! I’ll invest it in a modern day movie about Noah’s Ark. That’ll impact some people!”

God help us. We sure need it.