I made the mistake last night of falling asleep with CNN on. … Not that I didn’t enjoy watching ESPN’s repetitive highlights of the Rays whaling away on the ill fated Red Sox. Thanks to this severe error of judgment, my brain decided to make me the moderator of tonight’s words forum. Yes, I dreamt about politics. When I woke up, I felt the same shame I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio feels every time he goes to the gym.

… Of course, being the moderator for last night’s debate could have been a lot of fun. I could have asked Senator McCain to please lift his arms above his head. … Or I could have asked Senator Obama to please remove the mask he’s wearing so we can see his other face. … Okay, in all seriousness, the moderator should assist the candidates in looking somewhat intelligent by asking the following question a dozen times in a row:

Senators, in as many run on sentences as possible, can you please tell us what issues our Country is facing without including an understandable explanation of how you plan to fix them?

That question is fool proof. We may even find ourselves saying, “Wow, they both answered that really well. I think they both should be President. I vote for that.”

After a short delay caused by having tickets to the Dodgers farewell party from the playoffs last night, I watched the words forum without Tom Brokaw. Here are my real-time observations written entirely for your enjoyment.

5:07pm: Wow, I love this intro. Am I watching the NBA Finals? … Well, minus the sports part.

5:08pm: I feel like the Bulls music should be playing right now.

5:09pm: Lie #1: McCain says to Obama, “It’s good to see you again.” More lies to come I’m sure.

5:11pm: Lie #2: Obama to Schieffer, “It’s wonderful to join Senator McCain again.” That was quick.

5:13pm: It’s very possible that John McCain is actually 370 years old.

5:17pm: John McCain just said, “A higher tax bracket would mean higher taxes.” This man is running for President.

5:23pm: Joe the Plummer? There’s a name you can be proud of… if you’re a porn star.

5:25pm: Obama’s first I hope you burn in the fiery furnace of hell, John… smile.

5:30pm: I’ve decided that I’m going to vote for Joe the Plummer.

5:35pm: If either candidate refers to Joe the Plummer again I’m going to bomb Iraq.

5:37pm: McCain could very easily be the villain in any modern-day horror movie. No makeup or costume needed.

5:41pm: McCain’s first I just won an argument you bastard smile.

5:46pm: Did John just say, “During the depression era, when I was in my 60′s”… Ok, maybe I added that.

5:49pm: McCain just used sugar canes and sweetheart in the same sentence. He must be one hell of a war veteran.

5:53pm: Hatchet? Scalpel? I wouldn’t trust either of these guys with either of those.

5:55pm: Obama’s second I will kill you in your sleep, John… smile.

5:59pm: Is McCain talking about someone hurting his feelings!? … He is. Somebody get him a tissue.

6:03pm: Obama’s third I despise the very thought of you John smile.

6:03pm: When John McCain says back to the beginning, I think he really means back to the beginning of time, when I was born.

6:05pm: I just decided that neither of these men have penises. It’s just not possible.

John: I vote for traditional pads without wings!
Obama: It’s a new age John. I vote for wings!

6:06pm: Obama’s fourth I’ll show you terrorist, John… smile.

6:06pm: So, B-Rack, let me get this straight. You gave $800k to an organization that was “apparently” doing some shady things. Apparently? You didn’t know anything about who you were giving $800k to? Let’s chalk this up as Lie #3.

6:08pm: Obama’s fifth, sixth and seventh I know Bill Ayers, you know that, right John?… smile.

6:09pm: McCain just made up the word Cronyism. … That’s a word? Are you serious?

6:11pm: McCain just used another non-word Cockamamie… That’s a word too? My spell check just had a seizure. I’ll be right back.

6:12pm: Obama’s eighth I will sleep with your wife, John… smile.

6:13pm: Did McCain just not answer that question? I’m shocked.

6:14pm: Obama’s ninth I’m not a violent man ,John, but… smile.

6:15pm: This exchange actually happened:

Schieffer: In four years…
Obama: Well, in ten years…

6:18pm: B-Rack sounds like a mumbling child trying to explain his stance on energy. I’m pretty sure he just used bio-chemical, thermal and nuclear in the same sentence. That can’t be good.

6:30pm: Obama’s eleventh I thoroughly enjoy the Terminator films, John… smile.

6:31pm: McCain’s second did I win a second argument for the first time ever smile.

6:31pm: Hey, Obama, thanks for letting me keep my Insurance! That’s awfully Presidential of you.

6:33pm: How did Joe the Plummer end-up back in this conversation!? In other news, I just bombed Iraq.

6:34pm: … Now they’re both talking TO Joe?? Am I the only one who is confused by this?

6:35pm: Obama says, “If it costs $12k and you get $5k, that’s a loss.” … The clarity is stunning.

6:36pm: I’m pretty sure Obama just took a sip of Smirnoff. Being married to Michelle, I can’t say that I blame him.

6:37pm: I’m outraged. Obama says the average cost of health care for the American family is $12k per year. McCain turns around and says it’s actually $5,800. … Somebody’s lying. How can this be ignored?

6:39pm: Senator Government? Is that some sort of code name for Joe the Plummer?

6:41pm: Uh-oh, abortion. … Here we go.

6:41pm: Idiological? Is that the study of idiocy?

6:42pm: Obama’s twelfth did you see CSI last week? I did… smile.

6:44pm: Fairness and judgment to the American people? … Unless, of course, you’re an unwanted child.

6:46pm: I’m pretty sure John McCain is wearing lipstick. How did I not notice this before?

6:48pm: Barrack: “Hey, I support banning late term abortion” … but I didn’t vote that way. Ever. We now have Lie #4. Not bad for a couple of politicians talking for an hour and a half.

6:50pm: By cavalier Obama really means intercourse. Just say it B-Rack, its okay. I mean, Nip/Tuck is on standard cable.

6:50pm: Did Obama just say nobody’s pro-abortion? … Nobody but you, right?

6:50pm: So, let me get this straight B-Rack. You’re going to give a $4k credit to students willing to do a certain number of hours of community service. Call me crazy, but isn’t that a job!? You know, I pay you for your time kind of thing? Hmm, I’m confused.

6:51pm: John, apparently, would like to continue funding the Head Start program. … Is he going to fund it by freezing funding, like he said he would do earlier in the debate? There it is! Lie #5. Seriously though, that’s still not bad. That’s like as many lies as you may find in, say, any sentence from Al Gore.

6:53pm: Obama: Let me make a quick comment on that. … Quick comment? Do we have Lie #6?

6:55pm: … Yep, he lied. It’s official.

6:56pm: Oh, wow, Kevin was right. McCain did just snort. At-least we know he’s still breathing, right? Actually, don’t answer that.

6:58pm: I may be wrong, but I don’t think I actually invited Obama into my home.

6:59pm: “I’m Bob Schieffer, and I’m McCain’s father.”

That’s it! No more words forums with, or without, Tom Brokaw.

Oh, and all those times next to each observation… yeah, in the spirit of politics, I just decided to make those up.

I’m Jason Riley, and I’m voting for: …

Let’s save that for another blog.