J-Ri's Random Thoughts

Merry Delta Christmas!

It’s 2:40am. I’m sitting at LAX, waiting on standby for a 6:05am flight to Salt Lake City, and eventually to Kansas City (a whole story in itself). No biggie, right? Right… if I wasn’t supposed to be on that same flight yesterday. Speaking of yesterday, I drank some coffee about fifteen hours ago. Life was so different then; things were innocent, pure, alive… Wait, am I really typing right now? I could be dreaming, and in that case, you’ll never get to read this.

I think now is not a good time for some random thoughts. I present to you, my random thoughts…

• “Delta: We love to fly… only to/from Atlanta… and it shows.”

• I just saw Anna Kendrick here in the terminal. I was tired enough to approach her and not care if she rejected me. I introduced myself, told her that I enjoyed her work and offered to buy her a coffee; she looked embarrassed, but surprisingly agreed to join me. We shared some laughs about Clooney, Vampires and – damnit; I must have drifted off there for a few minutes.  Or did I? Either way, I was convincing enough that you considered texting me to say one of the following: “Did you really have coffee with Anna Kendrick?” or “Who the hell is Anna Kendrick?” Whatever happened, I have to admit that I really like her. She is my new celebrity crush.

Whoa. It’s 4:10am. That’s all I wrote… in ninety minutes. You could watch a whole movie in that amount of time… or the opening credits for Lord of the Rings. Wait, hold on. Crap, I need to step away (again) for a few minutes; a stranger just approached me about carrying a foreign object for them. I have left my bag unattended for a period of time. I need to go alert airline personnel immediately.

I’m back and I apologize for that. It’s now 11:17am and I have arrived in Salt Lake City, Utah. Before I make a few jokes about Utah, I would first like to say that I have two good friends that are very involved in their LDS church and faith. They are both awesome and I love them. The subsequent jokes do not, in any way, encompass the entirety of the Mormon population. Now that we’ve got that covered, here are some of my Utah observations:

• Almost every girl I have seen looks like somebody told her that sunlight could lead to skin cancer. What a load of crap. We all know that can’t possibly be true. I wondered if maybe the whole airport was rented out for a huge audition for Eclipse. I realized that couldn’t be the case due to the bizarre number of women wearing dresses that I remember seeing in grandma’s closet. If Salt Lake City were a college class, it would be Ugly as Hell 101.

• At the risk of sounding arrogant, I consider myself a decently attractive person. I don’t think I’m anywhere near the upper echelon of genetically gifted guys, but I also don’t think I’m down near the basement either. I would think the majority of people would see me as pretty average to slightly above average, with small minorities outside of that on both ends (ugly or hot). I also think that it depends on the city where you live. For example:

In Kansas City, the above description of me would be pretty accurate.

In Los Angeles, I fall squarely into the average to below average category. It’s really not fair. I have been on sets where I felt like I had a third ear growing on my forehead. Only once did it really happen. (Okay, un-funny joke, I get one a column.)

In Salt Lake City, I am Ryan Reynolds. No, really, I’m serious. I felt like walking around shirtless. I went from feeling completely unsightly on a commercial shoot a week ago, to feeling like I might be able to get everything I wanted free just for being so hot. I can only wish I was condescending enough to actually have tried it.

… Okay, I did try it, and it worked. (The free coupon had nothing to do with it, either)

• After 9+ hours of flight delays, I had the following fake conversation in my head with a Salt Lake City Delta employee.

Me: Hi; I need you to charter a direct flight from here to Kansas City immediately.
Her: Sir, we absolutely cannot –
Me: It’s about the plates…
Her: The plates?
Me: The Golden Plates…
Her: (Nervously looks around and leans in) Joseph?
Me: Smith; It is I…
Her: Oh my Mormon! Why Kansas City?
Me: Missouri, the Garden of Eden, remember?
Her: Of course! I am so humbled. Are the plates in danger?
Me: Yes; it is the Christians, they are after them.
Her: I knew it! Christians are always concerned with other people, rather than themselves…
Me: Time is of the essence, wife #49.
Her: Wife # — Me!? (Crying) I had long dreamed of this day!
Me: Come, we must go.

Yep, I was that tired…

(Ps – here are some awesome pictures (and their hilarious captions) that I took in the Utah airport.)

By hour #32, I decided to venture to the Southwest Airlines terminal. To make an extremely long story short: 6 hours later, and after a brief stop in Denver, I landed in Kansas City. The lesson in all of this? Delta sucks, Southwest rocks. (And just for emphases, I repeat; Delta sucks, Southwest rocks).

Merry Christmas!

I love you guys! (Unless I don’t)

       

            Here are some similar posts you may enjoy:

• No Related Post