Love ??

Life

By J-Ri ⋅ September 28, 2006 ⋅

The red glare of my alarm clock caught my peripheral vision. It reminded me that there was no good reason to be awake. I found myself staring at a ceiling I could only see in the faint glow of the 3:30am flashing on my nightstand. Most people would say that I think too much. Do I really? Or, is it that most people don’t think enough? Who knows.

In all my contemplating thoughts, I uncovered some very disturbing news about myself. I am a runner – and not in the “good, abs, in shape” kind of way. Instead, I run from my own heart. I explain away emotions with logical reasoning, and in doing so, chain and bolt the prison door of my heart. I withhold the sincere, loving expression of my heart in an attempt to mute painful situations and detour myself away from feeling vulnerable. I’ll let someone get close – but only to a point before I escape into the suddenly far distance. In my fear, I have reserved the expression of love that lives within me.

Anytime someone or something awakens that expression of love within me, I sprint away like Dante Hall returning a kick on Monday night against the Broncos. Most recently? I keep trying to run out of Kansas City – Foolishly believing that running from one location to another can hide me from what lives inside my own heart. When I begin to develop meaningful relationships, I retreat to a fabricated “safe haven” that I have convinced myself is saving me from the “heartache & pain” of really knowing, caring for & loving someone. And, in doing so, I am robbing my heart of knowing true happiness – The kind of happiness that God has called us to walk in.

This is why I have a thousand “hang-out” friends, and very few close relationships. This is why I’m single at 25 years old. This is why every meaningful relationship I’ve ever had with the opposite sex has ended up with them wanting to get married, then giving up on me ever really loving them. This is why I’ve labored with discouragement for the better half of my teenage and young adult life.

For too long, I’ve been a prisoner to the cultural definition of a man. Society says that a man can’t express love outside of selfish ambition, sports & money. It’s perfectly acceptable to love your sports team & make sacrifices for them, but it’s looked upon as “different” if you express that same love & make those same sacrifices for your wife or children. In a sentence, I’m tired of being defined by circumstance & cultural soundness. I’m tired of running away from who I am. I’m tired of incarcerating the manifestation of my heart.

Today, I choose to stop running. I may not be-able to automatically open every locked jail cell in my heart, but I’ve found the universal key – the same key that God has been waiting for me to pick up ever since I decided that love was not worth the risk of pain. In losing that key, I lost who I was created to be. Let me start the process by saying this: I’m going to need more than just on-the-surface relationships to be all that I’ve been created to be. Sure, it’s not a huge step – but it’s a still a step.