Umm, no thanks!

I awoke this morning to discover a special Holiday message from the Los Angeles Clippers in my inbox. I excitedly raced to the link, where I was greeted with this.

What are the chances those players were being held at gunpoint? And why am I on the Clippers mailing list? If I’m a Clippers fan (I read somewhere that there’s a couple of them), that video is about the last thing I want to see during the Holidays.

“Hi Clippers Fans, we just wanted to remind you that we’re still here to provide headaches all through the Holidays. Since we’ve already taken your valuable money this season, we wanted to go ahead and take some of your valuable time as well. Merry Christmas!”

Here are some other Holiday greetings you may (or may not) want to receive this season:

Detroit Lions
Holiday Greetings! We’d like to take this opportunity to announce a 15% increase in ticket prices next year. This is Detroit, we don’t just lose on the field. May you and your loved ones have a Holiday season filled with mediocrity and disappointment. From our filthy rich family to your struggling one, Merry Christmas!

General Motors
Merry Christmas! This is the season for giving. Why not give to us? Lord knows, we need it. Don’t be selfish Republicans. May your Christmas be filled with tenuous job situations and layoffs well into the New Year!

Mark Burg
Happy Bloody Holidays! I’m Mark Burg, the proud producer of Saw V. Thanks to the unheralded success of the fifth and totally original film, we’ve decided to do it all again, again! We hope you’re as excited as we are. Make sure you check out Saw VI, err, is it Saw VII, … whatever installment it is during this wonderful and cheerful season of love and family.

The Steinbrenner Family
Seasons Greetings from the Yankees! The economy may be in a recession, but your New York Yankees certainly are not. As you open presents tomorrow, you can rest assured that we are as committed as ever to destroying the game of baseball. With the addition of another quarter of a billion dollars to our payroll, we look forward to buying you, our loyal fans, a playoff birth next season. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Amy Winehouse
Happy Holidays from the Caribbeans! I sincerely hope you and your loved one’s are enjoying the photos I took for you. I’d write more, but I just did a line of coke. Merry Birthday and Happy Christmas!

Kansas City Chiefs
Happy Holidays Chiefs fans! Here’s a special gift for you to unwrap on Christmas: Carl Peterson is returning to the Chiefs! We hope this gift brings as much excitement to you as it did to us. We can all look forward to a new year filled with loads of fourth quarter meltdowns. Here’s a toast to doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas season!