Dr. J-Ri

Dr. J-Ri: Mailbag #3

Hello Moderately Attractive Readers;

Welcome back to another edition of Dr. J-Ri. I have picked up a few sponsors:

Today’s mailbag is brought to you by: Trojan: Introducing the all-new nine month investment plan; and by Enzyte: Spreading STD’s in nursing homes since 2006.

It’s been a while since I stepped off my pedestal to speak with all of you, so before we move forward, here’s my disclaimer.

As we’ve covered before, these are real emails, sent by you, that desperately need an injection of my un-earthly and supreme wisdom. I’ve got far more important things to do. I often hate many of you. Let’s get to it:

Dr J-Ri,

First off, I just want to say, I love your blog. I read your advice for other people’s questions and I think you are…well, brilliant! I come to you for advice on relationships. Ya see, I seem to only date guys that are either jerks or crazy…most of the time both. Is there a cure to this madness? What do you suggest I do to break this curse? I know you will be able to help me, I just know it.

-Shaniqua

Shaniqua;

I appreciate how foolish your life has become. It helps me feel better about how staggering and accomplished I am. Before we get to your inane question, I have one for you: By chance, are you African-American? I’m almost certain I’ve seen you die in the first thirty minutes of every horror movie I’ve ever seen. Aside from that, I have no idea what could have possibly made me think that. Silly me.

(I really enjoy the NBA, does that make my last joke acceptable?)

Let’s get to your question.

Here’s your problem: You’re obtuse, and since you’re obtuse, I’ll use a word more suited to your less than adequate level of language comprehension: You’re stupid. Let me tell you how you think:

“Ooh, he’s hot, which must mean he doesn’t have options; and he seems edgy, so that must mean he’s honest; and he’s older, so that must mean he’s really mature; and he’s adventurous, so that must mean he’s conservative in the areas I care about.”

If you’re attracted to the stereotypical bad boy, don’t be surprised when he turns out to be a bad boy. Duh, as if, passhaa. The real problem here is you. What a surprise. You don’t want a real man; you want a customizable man who works exactly like the slave-man you have roaming around in your head.

When you’re feeling insecure: “Load nice-guy program”
When you’re feeling adventurous: “Load bad-guy program”
When it’s time to have sex: “Load penis extension program”

While I certainly possess greatly upgraded and unreachable levels of all those programs, normal guys do not.

(Quick side story: I was walking in the gym the other day. I turned around to pick something up. A lady in Las Vegas almost lost her life. The lesson: Don’t forget to shutdown the penis extension program when you’re not using it.)

Back on point.

You asked if there was a cure: Yes, there is. Here’s what I suggest for you:

Practice unprotected sex with multiple partners. This will quickly help re-establish your faith in good men, not to mention giving you a deep-rooted sense of value in who you are. There’s nothing like sex with a stranger to heighten your self-worth.

Lastly, do you mind if I call you Sha instead? That niqua there are the end of your name is really disturbing.

Please write back in six months and tell us about your battle with AIDS.

Happy Trails;
~Dr. J-RI

Dr J Ri,

You are an inspiration in my life and I need your expert advice. Do you think there is such a thing as dating too many people at one time??? I mean, you can’t have too much of a good thing, right?

-Unknown

Dear Unknown Female;

I am an inspiration to all lives on the earth. I’m pleased to hear that you are no exception. You bring up an excellent question, and before I can dumb down the answer for you, I need to know your level of physical attractiveness.

(If you just thought of your caring nature, you’re not going to fare very well)

Here are your options:

The “When did Carrot Top Have a Kid” Level.
You’re unsightly. You’ve always wondered why children are afraid of you. You’ve even tried to sleep around, but failed. Your idea of a date consists of Facebook, a picture of somebody else and three hours of IM’ing.

The “But I Don’t Have any Major Birth Defects” Level.
You’re moderately unpleasant. You had a boyfriend once. He left you, eighth grade and hetero-sexuality, all at the same time. Your idea of a date consists of being comfortably within ten inches of any guy that’s not directly related to you.

The “Excuse Me; I Didn’t Even See You There” Level.
You’re average. You get a whole lot of action after 3am at the bar. Most of the guys you know call you their best friend. Your idea of a date is doing any activity with a guy that constitutes some sort of physical affection.

The “Smart Investment” Level.
You’re cute. You get more attention than most people you know. You’ve been around and you know what you want in a relationship. Your idea of a date is spending exclusive time with a guy who seems to possess those things that you’re looking for. You are also responsible for the most boring description of this entire column. Thanks a lot.

The “Olivia Wilde and/or Jennifer Love Hewitt” Level.
You’re hot. You’ve considered hiring a bodyguard. You once had pity sex with a fan; you vowed to never do that again. Your idea of a date is whatever you want it to be; when you’re that hot, you can do those things.

If you fall into one of the first two levels, please email: God@HowDoYouFeelAbout PlasticSurgery.com
If you fall into one of the next two levels, please email: DrJ-Ri@DrJ-Ri.com
If you fall into the highest level, please swing by my house immediately.

Thanks for your email.
~Dr J-Ri

Dear Dr. J-Ri,

I recently watched Twilight for the first time regardless of the teen girl craze.  Although I wasn’t enamored by the movie itself I have developed somewhat of an obsession with “vampire culture” if you will.  I’ve been watching all the vampire movies I can find.  My girlfriend just thinks that I am being playful when I bite her, but the truth is I really am curious about what it would be like.  Plus it would be sweet to be immortal an able to fly and all that other stuff.  The only reason I am holding back it because I don’t want to look like a freak.  I’m not sure how much longer I can hold out.  Should I be looking for help?

The Next Cullen

Dear The Next Cullen;

I have also watched Twilight and found it to be reasonably enjoyable. While it wasn’t worth the agonizing penis confiscation on the way into the theater, it did have its moments. Several times, I found myself thinking, “Hmm, maybe daily glitter baths and constipated stares really are the way to a woman’s heart.” After several weeks of experimentation, I have found that to strangely not be the case.

As you alluded too, I must say, flying is pretty sweet; I enjoy it most during the early morning. Being immortal has its challenges, but what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, right? Allow me to give you a three-step guide to becoming a vampire:

#1. Go to the mall and open a store credit account at Hot Topic. Use that credit to purchase as many black t-shirts with red cursive writing on them as possible. Any shirt that makes you think, “What the hell is that crap all over the front” is one you need to buy. I hope you have good credit.

#2. Call Cate Blanchett and ask her what she does to repel the sun – and good scripts – so effectively. If you can’t get her on the phone, try Courtney Love. We know she’s not very busy.

#3. Find Avril Lavigne and get her Dentistry information. If whatever drunken dentist she goes to can sharpen her teeth like that, he should have no problem doing the same for you.

Enjoy your quest. When it doesn’t work, you can always go live in the woods with Lindsay Lohan’s career.

Good luck Cullen;
~Dr. J-Ri

(You should also know that I edited a Michael Jackson joke out of this)

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            Here are some similar posts you may enjoy:

• Dr. J-Ri: Mailbag #2
• Dr. J-Ri: Mailbag #1
• J-Ri’s Advice Column