Ladies and gentleman, I present to you, … Mr. Dr. J-Ri.

(Obscene, over-reactive and deafening sounds of applause)

I would personally like to thank you for agreeing to the mandatory applause, I have certainly earned it. Welcome to Dr. J-Ri’s Mailbag Session #2. For those of you who don’t know what this is all about, please click here before you take me way too seriously and destroy your life.

You have been warned.

As always, these are real emails, written by you, that desperately need an injection of my un-earthly and supreme wisdom. I show absolutely no preference in the selection process of emails that I respond to, unless I choose to show preference. I have about two dozen messages still sitting in a folder that I will get to in future columns. By all means, please continue to send me your problems. I greatly appreciate and enjoy reading about your personal failures.

Let’s get to your questions.

Well first off. I love your blog, it has made me cry laugh and squirt drinks out of my nose because I keep forgetting that I MUST NOT be drinking anything while reading J-Ri.com. Being English my second language I find your blog as useful as a Merriam Webster dictionary for my vocab enrichment. KUDOS and HOORAY wave for your blog!

Ok, so I have a friend who knows a friend that met this guy at work, he used to tell her all the time “No, I don’t want to get involved with people from work”, but he was always looking for her and giving her those “coded looks” and purposely bumped into my friend’s friend at the printer, water fountain vending machine, etc. The question is “Why do men love giving mixed messages?” I have gotten to the point where I think all guys in planet earth have read that book “The Game” and makes every guy who surrounds me a “suspect reader” who is just playing the pick-up game.

~Unknown

Hello Unknown;

I’d like to paint a picture for a moment. In this picture, I am also doing the HOORAY wave for your email, except I’m naked. Does that make things awkward? I hope not. Believe it or not, English is also a second language for me; my native tongue being English. I speak English as a third language as well. We have so much in common. How weird.

(Awkward silence)

It’s important for you to understand that most men operate on a far more complicated level than women. While women navigate through life with only one brain, some men actually have two brains. A small one is located in their head, and a much larger, more dominate one is located in their penis. Unfortunately for women, often times the penis-brain sends one signal, while the head-brain sends a very different one.

If your friends’ friend is getting mixed signals, you can assume two things:

#1: Your friends’ friend is hot, thus activating the penis-brain in the man. The penis-brain sends those coded looks and drags the man’s body to the printer, water fountain, vending machine, etc.

#2: Your friends’ friend is not interesting what-so-ever, thus forcing the head-brain into a deep slumber. It is during this time that the penis-brain is completely dominate, often leading to increased sexual tension and disturbing glances reeking of sexuality. Once the head-brain awakens, it uses simple logic to override the penis brain, reminding the user that your friends’ friend is completely un-interesting and a total waste of his time.

I would advise your friends’ friend to put herself out there. You know, really throw her whole heart into it. I would tell her to put up with his games and to find contentment in being his backup girl. I mean, you never know when his other back-up girl may not come through. She has to be on her toes and ready to come to his aide. Lastly, I would certainly tell her to seed her whole life on the hope that one day his head-brain will actually like her.

Magically, he’ll wake up some morning and say, “Oh, I was wrong, she actually is interesting and I really do like her”. Those things happen every day in a man’s life. I swear.

You’re welcome.

I have numerous papers to write and classes to finish Seminary for the semester, but I have this problem. I can’t stop reading your columns in class and I’m not paying attention at all anymore to something that I used to desire to know more about. My professors ask me questions and I just stare at them like a deer in the headlights. What should I do?

~Dan

Hi Dan;

To begin, I must say that I am truly honored to be the source of your distraction. I take great pride in my glowing cloak of humility. It brings me a true sense of satisfaction knowing that my writing is derailing your dreams and hindering you from what’s important in life. I sincerely thank you for your email. It’s messages like yours that make it all worth it.

Your professors need to understand that J-Ri.com is far more important than whatever they are teaching you. All you will ever need to know about life is contained within the pages of this world renowned super-blog. Ultimately, I’d advise that you drop out of school, take a dancing class or two, find a stop sign in a busy area of town and start dancing on the corner. All tips and proceeds should immediately be donated to the cause of J-Ri.com.

In the meantime, while you’re taking those dance classes, you need to confront your professors. I’ve found that the best way to challenge people in power is to disrespectfully question their authority. Here are a few phrases that may be helpful:

#1: I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that you were actually a person.
#2: Forgive me, but I believe I have located your missing wheelchair and matching helmet.
#3: Hello Ms. O’Donnell, can I call you Rosie, or would you prefer Rose?

If these don’t work, by all means, resort to all methods of physical violence. Soon, you’ll find yourself with the necessary free time you need to really study the writings of J-Ri.com. Eventually, you will memorize this wisdom and will go forth and walk in it.

Be blessed Daniel Son.

Dear Dr. Riles, I think it might be possible that you are the Doctor that I’ve been looking for all my life!!!!!!

I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks now because I sort of feel like I’m cheating on my sea salt hair mist! Ahhhhh! You see, I found this other one that works really well and with an added bonus!
It contains LAVENDAR EXTRACT! (Tingles my scalp!!!) It’s just a sample though…….

Doc, do you think it’s okay if I change hair products? Or should I stick with my oldie?

Sincerely,
No No…. Ain’t Extensions!

Hola No No Aint Extensions;

You are correct, as I am the doctor you have been looking for all of your life. I compliment your wisdom in admitting this obvious truth. Congratulations on finding me. The main function of lavender extract is to help reduce inflammation. Do you have inflammation on your scalp, or on any other area of your head? If so, please send me a picture so that I may expose your deformity to the world.

I would strongly advise that you begin using Soul Glo. It will give your hair the poofy curls that every man really lusts after. Secondly, I encourage you to begin laser hair removal treatment to eliminate only the small, rear portion of the hair on your head. A full head of hair is totally over-rated. I mean, there’s nothing sexier than a kind of’ bald chick with head inflammation.

Lastly, I recommend that you bleach your left eyebrow, as it will give your face some added character. No matter your hair color, you can’t go wrong with one bleached eyebrow. I offer my personal guarantee that more men (and maybe even a few women) will notice and excessively stare at you than ever before in your life. The amount of sheepish smiles you will receive in passing will send your confidence through the roof.

Try me, I am incapable of lying.

Until Next Time;
~Dr. J-Ri

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