Pop in a few of those SSRI’s sitting on your nightstand (it’s totally safe, I swear), grab a notepad and get comfortable. The time has come to open up Dr. J-Ri’s first mailbag. For those of you who have no idea what this is all about, click here before you take me way too seriously and destroy your life.

I received quite a few emails (most of them were hilarious), so please continue to send them in. Thanks to your endless array of personal failures, this will likely be the first of several mailbags. Um, I’m going to need you to calm down. I’m not starting until you do. We’re all waiting…

Thank you.

Before we get started, thanks for all your great questions. I will certainly pull from the knowledge I have attained during my seventeen years of post-grad education. All of my degrees fall under the umbrella of foreign language, with an emphasis on the different variations and dialects of English. Naturally, this will benefit your life.

Let’s get started.

Dear Dr. J-Ri;
You’re really not that funny. Just thought you should know.
~Leslie

Hi Leslie;

Thank you so much for passing on that very useful and constructive criticism. It’s exactly that type of personality trait that guys totally dig. Based on your email, I’m assuming that you’re single. Yes, I’m single too, but I’m sure it’s for veeeerrrryyy different reasons. Here is one fool-proof way you can change your fortunes.

When you meet a guy you like, talk sports with him. Be sure to discover who his favorite team is. Next, you’ll want to jump online and find out which team ended his teams’ season the previous year. Once you’re armed with this information, buy some of their apparel and solely root for them. Refer to his team as ‘overrated’ and ‘classless’, reminding him about what happened last season. Before you know it, he’ll absolutely fall in love with you.

Be sure to write me back and let me know how that goes. I love success stories.

Dear Dr. J-Ri,
I keep hearing that guys wish women were more direct and said what they meant.
I think this would freak them out.

Men in Misery, Take 1:
F: (hopefully) Watcha doin’ today?
M: The game’s on.
F: oh.
M: I don’t have to watch it…
F: No no no it’s fine watch it!
M: okay [turns on tv]
F: [stomps off]

Men in Misery, Take 2
F: I am not getting enough face time with you. Can we spend time together today?
M: The game’s on.
F: oh
M: I don’t have to watch it…
F: Well, it’s like this: If you watch it, I will feel like you are putting sports before me unless you specifically allot a lot of time for me later. If you don’t watch it, I will feel like you are acting out of guilt and that will make me feel like a high-maintenance nag unless you specifically tell me you are not watching it because you prefer my company, which I will only half believe because I know how much you want to watch this game. What’s it gonna be, lover?
M: [runs away]

Is this really what guys want?
Blithely Yours,
Unhinged in Comoros
(NO I’m not really in Comoros either.)

Hi Unhinged in Comoros;

Your name is sexy. Is that French? I only studied English dialect, sorry. We should totally watch the game together this week. On a serious note, thank you for your question. Allow me to answer your scenario with one of my own:

M: Whatcha’ doing today?
F: Going to the mall.
M: Oh.
F: I don’t have to go…
M: No No it’s fine, go to the mall.
F: Ok (leaves for the mall)
M: (Stomps off… to the living-room to watch the game).

Or, take two:

M: I am not getting enough quality time, if you know what I mean. Can we get some quality time today?
F: The Bachelor is on.
M: Oh.
F: I don’t have to watch it…
M: Well, it’s like this. If you do watch it, I feel insecure about my bed-time abilities unless you continually tell me how much sexier I am than Jason the bastard Bachelor. If you don’t watch it, I will feel like you are spending quality time with me out of guilt and that will only make me feel like a perverted jerk unless you specifically tell me that you are not watching the Bachelor because you prefer quality time which I will not believe because I know how much you really want to watch the Bachelor. What’s it going to be, baby?
F: (runs away)

Unhinged (Can I call you that?), as you can see, it works both ways. Here’s the best way to handle that very situation.

First, tell your man that sports are a waste of time and that every guy who spends an evening watching them has been scientifically proven to have a lower sperm count than men who don’t. Print out a fake study and put it in his briefcase if you have to.

Second, men are secretly turned on by someone who nags. Don’t think of it as a bad thing. Nag and nag, and before you know it, you’ll be completely irresistible to him.

Lastly, when we say we want you to be more direct, we mean be more direct about our shortcomings. When we make a mistake, tell us about it. When we look out of it, ask us if we’ve just completely given up on life.

Follow those simple advices, and you’ll be well on your way to a great, healthy and lasting relationship.

Call me.

Dear Dr. J-Ri;
So I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend and I’m just not sure how to tell him. I ended it with the other guy and I feel really bad. I don’t want to destroy him, but I can’t keep this to myself. What do I do?
~Shannon

Hi Shannon;

Thank you for your question. Nice job. Cheating can actually be a good thing, and in your case, I think it is. There’s nothing like a little action on the side to spice up your relationship. I agree that you need to tell him. When you do, there are two main things to remember:

#1: He drove you to do this.
#2: It will happen again if he doesn’t change.

Don’t forget, it’s totally his fault. If he were giving you what you needed to begin with, then you wouldn’t have been forced to find someone else who could. You’re the victim here, not him. I’d suggest going into the conversation with a list of things he has done to fail you that eventually led you to do this. Be sure to give him an ultimatum and demand he change so that you’re not forced against your own good will to cheat on him again. I sincerely hope he gets his act together. What kind of jerk would coerce you into such a helpless spot? Pathetic.

You go girl.

Until next time;
~Dr. J-Ri

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