The Chronicles of Bruce

Bowling for Hyundai’s

The “Chronicles of Bruce” are presented to you in a conversation narrative, told by Jason Riley and James Brown. Tonight’s tale is brought to you by: GPC Lights in a box. There’s nothing as smooth and relaxing as GPC light cigarettes after a long day of cafeteria work – GPC Lights in a box.

(A thought to remember: As far fetched as these stories may sound, they are in fact painfully and comically true) Let’s begin

James: Well my good friend, I think it’s only fitting that we go back to when it all began, don’t you? Now, of course we weren’t actually around when Bruce was young, but we’ve heard these stories enough times to tell them like we were there ourselves.

Jason: Buddy, I couldn’t agree more! The idea of a young, less-mature Bruce roaming the streets is about as scary as Mike Tyson running a day care. While we let you ponder on that unnerving thought for a second, I say we get started. … Wow, I have no idea how to do that. Finding a beginning to Bruce’s on-going chronicle is like trying to explain why Eva Longoria shouldn’t be with Tony Parker. There are so many good reasons, finding just one will make your head spin. Brown, kick us off. Where do we even start?

James: I guess if I had to choose a beginning, I’d go back to one of my favorites from Bruce’s early years. It was a warm, summer night in Raytown, MO. The sun had just set as a 12 year-old Bruce, complete with scrapped up knees, a missing tooth, and a head the size of Andre the Giant, was looking for some way to entertain himself. On a side note, this is a common and dangerous scenario you’ll find throughout these tails. Does he go for a bike ride or maybe play some Rygar on NES? Maybe sort through and count his Jordan basketball card collection? Not tonight! Instead he goes to the garage to see what he can get into. Do you remember this one Riley?

Jason: Ah, yes! I most definitely do. You see, at a very young age, Bruce learned that creating unfortunate circumstances for innocent people was the peak of comedy. Anywhere he roamed, he plotted to wreak havoc on the everyday, hard-working American. This day was no different. In a desperate attempt to entertain himself (This is also a general theme throughout the Bruce Chronicles), he located an old, dusty bowling ball. While most of us couldn’t possibly imagine how a bowling ball could be compelling without a lane, ten pins and 8,000 GPC Light smokers (Sponsor Plug #2) packed into an undersized bowling alley, Bruce always found a way!

James: With an unparalleled imagination for destruction, little Bruce grabs the old bowling bag and heads to the top of a nearby hill with a wily smirk on his face. You’ve got to understand, this wasn’t just any hill. It was a steep incline overlooking a dark side street with plenty of brush and cover close by, perfect for tonight’s scheme. Bruce finds a place to hide at the top of the lofty hill behind a thick gathering of bushes. While sitting down in the black shadows like a kid on Christmas morning, our buddy opens the leather bag and unveils his new 10 pound toy.

Jason: I’d imagine that at this point, little Brucie is drooling through his gap as he thinks about the imminent mayhem he’s about to inflict on some unlucky driver below. Are you starting to see this come together? Correct me if I’m wrong, but who goes and does asinine things like this by themselves? Right, I forgot. Bruce does. He ditches the bag and preps the ball for its destiny. He sneaks out from behind the bushes, and to his delight, a car begins to climb the hill. He cracks a crooked-tooth smile as a waterfall of sweat (literally) pours down his mammoth sized forehead…

James: You know Jason; I have to say – In a tense situation like that, I bet his heart was pounding like chi wa-wa on crack. He could have used a pack of GPC lights in a box right about then to calm those nerves (Sponsor Plug #3). GPC lights in a box, perfect for calming the destructive nerves of children. Now back to the story…

With his heart racing and eyes pealed for the perfect opportunity, little Bruce never felt so alive. Then he saw it… The time had come and he made his move. Using the inertia of his ridiculously massive head, Bruce cocked back and catapulted his 10 pound ammo like a cannonball at an unsuspecting ship. I think it’s safe to say that no 12 year old has ever hurled a bowling ball this far in the history of mankind. With perfect aim, it soared through the air at its impending target…

Jason: In a record moment of embarrassment, all of Heaven shunned their eyes as the ball leaped down the hill towards the naive car. Bruce’s eyes swelled to the size of Rose O’Donnell at a buffet while he struggled to contain the excitement of a massive collision between the ball and whatever vehicle dared to climb the hill. And, to his sinister delight, the vehicle came out from the shadows perfectly in-line for a head-on collision with the tumbling ball…

James: You can only imagine what horror and confusion that must have gone through the unsuspecting drivers mind as it sees this attacking black mass bounding down the road in route for a collision. Out of pure terror, the car impulsively dives off the road and into a ditch, narrowly escaping its attack.

Jason: On a sponsorship note, had the driver owned a Hyundai, this would not have happened. With a revolutionary braking system and newly improved features to help you take control of the road, Hyundai is leading the way for the next generation. Hyundai – This is driving excitement!

And, we’re back! … Now, any normal 12 year old boy would be afraid that maybe there would be some consequences if he got caught. Say, being grounded for life and never seeing daylight again. But not Bruce, he was only focused on one question: “How can I get that ball back so I can do this again?” The alarmed driver leaped from the car, still pondering, “Was that a freaking bowling ball that just almost hit me?” While the driver assessed the damage and searched for any suspects, our hero jumped back in the bushes as he plotted a way to recover his ammo. After all, without his ammo, he was just a “kinda’ retarded but not really” 12-year old boy.

James: Like a stealthy “semi-handicapped” ninja, Bruce slipped by the wreckage, down the hill, and quickly snagged his precious ball, never to be seen by the motorist. Even at an early age his unique ability to escape capture was already instinct (This has since expired). The dumbfounded driver finally gets back into his car, onto the road, and on his way. Success! So after such an event, you think he’d call it a night right? No…

Jason: At a torrent pace, our little anti-hero tormented car after car, each time successfully retrieving his weapon and eluding each driver that erupted from their wrecked cars. With a bowling ball, a large hill and a mammoth head housing 1/3^rd of a brain, the legend that would become “Bruce Lynch” was born. After all, how could video games and trading cards compare to the thrill of shattering cars on a lonely hill in Raytown? Exactly.

James: And so concludes the first episode of our journey into the extraordinary Chronicles of Bruce Lynch. Now Jason, what’s great about these stories is that you can’t help but take away a deep and meaningful life lesson from all of this. For all the kids out there reading, remember that you don’t need expensive video games, massive TVs or even friends to have fun. Just use a little imagination and the world is your playground. Also, they don’t tell you this, but any felonies you have when you’re a kid are completely erased when you turn 18, so go nuts! Jason how about you?

Jason: Great point Brown! If you really take the time to look beyond the story, you can learn a lot about persistence and determination. How many of us would have stopped after causing just one car to wreck? Had Bruce failed to persevere and not risked going back and retrieving the ball, he might have been bored the rest of the afternoon! And that, ladies and gentleman, would have been entirely unacceptable! Thank you Bruce for teaching us that in life, sometimes you have to create something out of nothing. You turned a bowling ball, a hill and somebody else’s tragedy into an unforgettable memory. And for that, we will always be indebted to you.

Join us next time for another exciting and hilarious tale from the Chronicles of Bruce. We miss you buddy! Come home soon.

       

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