Dear 2Pac ~

How’s Cuba? It’s crazy to think you’ve been living there for twelve years now. Is your cave big? I at least hope it’s on the west side of the mountains. You still gotta’ represent, west side for life, ya’ heard? How’s Biggie doing? I bet he’s biggier than ever with all that Cuban food. I hope you’re at least staying in shape. It’d be weird if you were fat and that “thug life” tattoo wrapped around your love handles.

I was at Wal-Mart the other day and I saw your jean jacket on sale for $10. I bought four of them and I wear them shamelessly. I was pretty surprised that you have a marketing deal with Wal-Mart. Target is much nicer. But hey, only God can judge you.

I heard your new song today. I’m sorry to hear you still have back-stabbers chasing you around. How did they find you? Did Castro discover that you’ve been living in his mountains? I bet life has been really stressful. I don’t want to offend you, but you should possibly consider talking to someone about your anger. I once saw a counselor and it really helped. If you don’t deal with those issues, they could cost you your life one day. Just lookin’ out for you man.

I didn’t know you still had a girl you left at home. I was pretty weirded out when you said in your new song, there aint’ nothing like trying to bone over the phone. That’s kinda’ messed up man. If you want, I can help pay for her plane ticket to come see you. It sounds like a pretty desperate situation. Also, how’s your health? I heard you say that you’re struggling with every breath. Have you been smoking a lot of those Cuban cigars? I bet the air circulation in your cave isn’t very good. Make sure you take care of yourself. It’d be a shame to see other people making money off your rhymes.

Anyway, I just wanted to write you because I know thugz get lonely too. If you ever want to come back to America, do it after January 20th. In case you haven’t heard, we just elected our first African-America President, Barrack Obama. I know you said you didn’t think we were ready, but a lot has changed since you’ve been gone. You should schedule a visit sometime.

I gotta’ be up outta’ here.

West Side;
~J-Ri