Life

2010: The Year of the Lie

In 2010 I will turn… umm, 30.

I guess that makes the next twelve months the Year of the Lie. I think the best way to explain it all is to simply tell you that I am really enjoying my first week of being 25 years old. I feel like it’s important that I fabricate the truth to everyone, not just myself. As a result, I lied and made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t just lie without being honest about my lying – and I will gladly wait while you read that sentence again for clarity.

Here are three major changes for the Year of the Lie:

1. Relationship Status

I have been single since Elijah was smacking the hell out of the prophets of Baal. It’s been six months since the last time I kissed someone – and that was one of those you’re hot and I know I’ll never have to see you again moments. The last time I went out on a date was right before Thanksgiving – which wasn’t really that long ago… unless we are talking about 2008, which we unfortunately are.

In celebration of the Year of the Lie, I would like to no longer be single… on Facebook (and in real life too, but that’s a lot more complicated). The rapid emergence of social networking maximizes my potential for dishonesty. With the click of a mouse I can have the whole world saying, “OMG, Jason Riley isn’t single anymore; can someone call hell and see what the temperature is down there?”

We can go through all the relationship statuses…

(Did you see that Jason changed his relationship status to its complicated? I wonder what’s going on. I bet he cheated on her; he looks like he would do something like that. Bastard.)

Post comments on each other’s wall…

(I love you so much! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me! … Ps – Did I leave my shirt on your headboard? That was so amazing that I didn’t even notice I left your house naked.)

And ultimately, end our relationship and immediately post status updates about how great our lives have suddenly become…

(Jason Riley: I feel so free now that I have let go of the past; I love where my life is headed! Things are just perfect right now!)

Any takers!? …

2. The Single Guy.

In ’09, I was the single guy at just about every wedding, party or social event I attended. I had the same conversation about six million times:

Female Friend: Good to see you!
Me: You too!
Female Friend: Are you here by yourself?
Me: Yep, just me.
Female Friend: (Pause) Oh, well… that’s, umm… that’s great!
Me: Yep!
Female Friend: … What happened to that one girl you were with a while back?
Me: She was eaten by a shark.
Female Friend: What!?
Me: I’m kidding. … It just didn’t work out.

If you have ever been in this conversation, you understand the urgency of an abrupt subject change. If I miss my split-second opportunity, I am sentenced to the inevitable conclusion of the conversation…

Female Friend: That’s too bad. … Hey, ya’ know, I have this single friend…
Me: Oh, no, thank you but that’s okay.
Female Friend: I’m serious! She is just adorable and awesome; and so not crazy! You two would totally hit it off!

At this point, I really only have two reasonable options:

Option 1:

Me: No, really, thanks but no thanks.
Female Friend: Come on, it’ll be harmless…
Me: Believe it or not, I really am capable of meeting someone on my own.
Female Friend: (Offended) Fine, have it your way; I was just trying to be helpful. (Walks away)

Do I really want to offend my friend? I mean, she was just trying to be helpful. Plus, I can guarantee that my now-offended friend will tell other people something to the effect of:

I tried to get him to meet (BFF’s name) and he absolutely refused. Can you believe that? I think he has commitment issues – or maybe he’s gay. Either way, there’s a good reason he’s still single.

Option 2:

Me: Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt; is she here?
Female Friend: Awesome! She totally is; let me go introduce you two! This is so great. You’re just going to love her!

Here is the fundamental problem with a woman hooking me up with her friend: She doesn’t really care about what I want, she only cares that her single friend gets what she wants. It’s a total crap shoot. She thinks her friend is awesome based on things I could probably care less about. There’s about a .3% chance we’re going to end up together.

This year, I will evade that inept conversation by… lying, of course, duh! (You saw this coming). Now, I could easily lie and say “Oh, my girlfriend/fiancée/wife couldn’t make it tonight”, and that would essentially free me of the I have this friend conversation. But where’s the fun in that? I mean, why settle for a verbal lie when you can lie with your actions? (Again, duh!)

In 2010, I would like to bring a date (it can be anyone really) to all events and gatherings like these. We will create a completely fictitious (and generally outrageous) relationship story to tell people when they ask (and they will ask). We will shamelessly lie about how we met, how long we have been together and any other relationship intangibles that may come up. The best part about it? All of this will be done totally on the spot. How amusing will that be? If nothing else, it will make for a few completely hilarious stories later.

Do I have any candidates!? …

3. Life Stats.

You may have never thought of it this way before, but life is the pursuit of individual stats.

A degree is a nice stat.
Expendable income is a nice stat.
Physical condition is a nice stat.

On the flip side, people also compile bad individual stats.

Bankruptcy is a bad stat.
Obesity is a bad stat.
Being uneducated is a bad stat.

We spend the majority of our lives compiling our stats, hoping that we can one day plug them into a life equation and solve for happiness.

Good Job + Good Spouse = Good Life.

People are most commonly judged based on their life stats.

“Oh, he only makes $25k/year, he must be struggling.”
“Her degree is in theater, there’s no way she’s going to make it.”
“They have both gained a lot of weight, they can’t possibly be happy.”

Before you accuse me of wasting your time being philosophical, let me remind you that we are still talking about the year of the lie; and what can be more compelling than completely fabricating your life stats? I already do this when I meet people in airports and/or bars all the time (I even wrote about it last year).

I spend a lot of time meeting random people when I’m working on sets. 99.98% of the time, I will never see them again. Over the course of this year, I vow to make the following life stat alterations (I.e. outright lies) at some point:

• Education.

I will claim to have received a minimum of two doctorate degrees from a prestigious university. This will lead into a conversation about me being fired from my child-psychology practice for reasons that I have been court ordered to not talk about.

• Relationships.

I will be happily married, happily divorced and every possible status in-between. I will also be in an abusive relationship (where my wife smacks and verbally assaults me regularly). I may even recall those recent and heartbreaking events in great detail.

• Physical Condition.

I am especially excited about this lie. I will talk about my severe battle with obesity and the struggles I faced during the last two years as I dropped 180 pounds. I may go as far as photoshopping a before picture to use as evidence of my miraculous transformation.

• Religion.

I just had a minor aneurysm thinking about the endless possibilities here. I will certainly be a polygamist Mormon at-least once. I would also like to make up my own religion (Jayryism) and manufacture a convincing argument about an extinct ocean creature being the source of all life on the earth.

• Occupation.

This one provides me with the most room to be random and creative. I really like the idea of being a decomposition manager at the Body Farm in Texas. I equally love the idea of having an unbelievably compassionate and noble occupation – like an emergency veterinarian at a local animal shelter or a behavioral psychologist for children with autism.

I speak for myself when I say, “Happy New Decade!” I sincerely hope 2010 beats the hell out of 2009.”

If any of you would like to join me in my Year of the Lie Adventures, by all means, let me know. I actually can’t make it all happen without you…

(And I will be blogging about them as they happen)

       

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